Seoul, South Korea – Most mornings, Eun Website positioning-Ran begins her day at round 7am by brewing tea for herself and her adopted daughter Lee Eo-Rie*. After a cup of black or natural tea the 2 work in separate rooms – Website positioning-Ran as an essayist, whereas Eo-Rie research for an examination. Round midday, they cook dinner lunch, then sit all the way down to eat and watch their favorite comedy sequence. Quickly, the sound of them laughing fills the lounge of their three-bedroom house. Exterior, inexperienced cabbage fields stretch for miles.
Within the night, the 2 eat dinner, after which do the family chores. On clear nights, the silhouette of a mountain gleams within the distance as they practise yoga earlier than mattress, chatting about associates and work, and winding up one other day of their quiet lives.
“Our lives have become inseparable over the years … Eo-Rie probably knows me better than anyone else in the world,” says Website positioning-Ran, a slight, soft-spoken lady, from their house within the southwestern area of Jeolla.
Regardless of being her adopted daughter, Eo-Rie is 38 – simply 5 years youthful than 43-year-old Website positioning-Ran. The ladies have been greatest associates and roommates for seven years. Final Could, Website positioning-Ran adopted Eo-Rie in a determined bid to turn into household beneath South Korea’s strict household legislation. By legislation, solely these associated by blood, marriage between a person and a girl, and adoption are recognised as household.
Strict gender roles and patriarchal household tradition stay deeply ingrained in South Korea. However in recent times, extra South Koreans have began to problem these norms. They’re more and more pushing the federal government to just accept a broader vary of companionships as household, akin to single {couples} or associates dwelling collectively, and demanding rights and companies accessible to standard household items. Girls are sometimes on the forefront of this push with a rising variety of so-called “no-marriage women” selecting to remain single, defying the normal strain to marry, and take care of a household.
The story of how Website positioning-Ran and Eo-Rie turned household represents this want to problem—and reimagine—what it means to be household in South Korea.
‘My mum toiled for decades’
Website positioning-Ran grew up close to Seoul in a middle-class household with a working father, a stay-at-home mom and an older brother – a nuclear family that by then had changed the normal multi-generational house. However regardless of the fast shift in household construction, customs embedded inside it modified extra slowly.
Girls have been nonetheless largely anticipated to give up their jobs upon marriage and turn into lifelong caregivers for his or her in-laws. Positioned on the backside of the pecking order of their husbands’ households, they have been normally relegated to the kitchen throughout household gatherings, together with historical rituals to honour useless ancestors. Known as “jesa” or “charye”, the ritual is noticed through the Chuseok harvest pageant, the Lunar New Yr and on useless kinfolk’ birthdays and girls are anticipated to arrange meals for days. The customized is so resented by many ladies that the variety of divorces rises after each conventional vacation.
“My mum toiled for decades to serve my father’s family, including making countless jesa preparations each year. But my father is a very patriarchal person, and never showed any gratitude for what she did for his family,” Website positioning-Ran displays.
“Having watched all of this, I’ve never had a fantasy about marriage – or having the so-called ‘normal family’,” she explains. Her mom, hoping Website positioning-Ran would stay in a different way, wouldn’t even let her into the kitchen whereas she was rising up.
“Don’t live like me,” she would say.
Over time, some traditions diminished – however many stay. As we speak, girls in double-income households spend thrice extra hours every day on childcare and family chores than males. The truth is, even girls who’re breadwinners nonetheless spend extra time on chores than their stay-at-home husbands.
‘Why aren’t you married but?’
From a younger age, Website positioning-Ran knew she needed to stay single in a society the place many nonetheless see relationship as a prelude to marriage and having youngsters.
“Plus, I’m a very freewheeling person. I have wanderlust, I love to travel spontaneously, and I don’t like children,” she says shrugging. “I thought marrying would be an irresponsible thing to do for someone like me.”
After graduating from school, Website positioning-Ran picked up workplace work as she moved throughout the nation – from the southern island of Jeju to a far-flung mountainous village – desirous to be nearer to nature, and away from air air pollution that exacerbated the continual eczema she’d had since childhood. However she by no means felt she belonged.
“An unmarried woman living alone in a small village attracts endless gossip, matchmaking offers she never asked for, and unwanted sexual advances,” she explains, rolling her eyes.
As soon as, a drunken landlord tried to interrupt into her home in the course of the night time – simply certainly one of a number of break-in makes an attempt she skilled. In a rustic the place many single folks stay with their dad and mom, younger girls dwelling alone are sometimes weak, stereotyped as being sexually accessible and 11 occasions extra possible than males to expertise break-ins.
On numerous events, village elders requested Website positioning-Ran if she was married – and berated her for “going against the nature of the world” by remaining single. Many urged her to marry their sons or males dwelling within the space. “‘Where is your husband? Where are your children? Why aren’t you married yet?’” her neighbours would ask her.
Fed up and exhausted, in 2016 Website positioning-Ran moved once more, this time settling within the rural county of Jeolla with a inhabitants within the tens of hundreds, which gave her a way of anonymity. Quickly after, she found that one other lady was dwelling alone subsequent door.
That was Eo-Rie, who had additionally moved to Jeolla to flee metropolis life. With lots in frequent, together with a love of vegetation, vegetarian cooking and DIY, and discovering solidarity of their determination to stay single, the 2 rapidly grew shut.
Quickly, they have been sharing dinner each night time. A yr later, Eo-Rie moved in with Website positioning-Ran.
‘A real family’
The choice was partly for cover as Website positioning-Ran felt unsafe on her personal – two girls dwelling collectively would entice far much less undesirable consideration.
“But more than anything else … Eo-Rie and I talked a lot about how to live well and happily in old age, and concluded that living with a like-minded friend would be one of the best ways to do so,” Website positioning-Ran explains.
It took months to seek out the best stability. Eo-Rie, who likes to cook dinner, discovered it tiring to cook dinner for 2, whereas Website positioning-Ran admits she is “a bit obsessed” with cleanliness – she showers as quickly as she will get house – on account of her pores and skin situation. They determined that Eo-Rie would cook dinner much less and comply with Website positioning-Ran’s bathe behavior.
Their totally different personalities – Website positioning-Ran is delicate however outspoken whereas Eo-Rie is extra easy-going and nonchalant – complement one another effectively, Website positioning-Ran says.
“Eo-Rie accepted my hyper-sensitiveness with ease, and even joked once, ‘I feel like I have a high-end home cleaner’,” she says, laughing.
Their house life turned “joyful, peaceful, and comforting”.
“I came to believe that a real family is those who share their lives while respecting and being loyal to each other, whether or not they are related by blood or marriage,” says Website positioning-Ran.
A couple of years later, with the association working so effectively, they determined to purchase their house collectively. However then, after Website positioning-Ran, who suffers from different well being issues like continual complications, was rushed to the ER a number of occasions, they began speaking about how in the event that they have been household they may signal medical consent varieties for each other. South Korean hospitals, fearing authorized motion ought to one thing go improper, usually refuse to supply pressing care – together with surgical procedure – until a affected person’s authorized household provides consent.
“We have helped and protected one another for years. But we were nothing but strangers when we needed each other most,” Website positioning-Ran explains.
Authorized loophole
So the 2 began wanting into household legislation to see what was doable.
Marriage was out of the query. “We are not romantically involved or trying to get married. And even if we are, we wouldn’t be able to marry since same-sex marriage is not legal in South Korea,” Website positioning-Ran explains.
“So the only way left for us was this strange option of me adopting Eo-Rie,” she says, her eyebrows furrowed in frustration.
Beneath South Korean legislation, an grownup can simply undertake a youthful grownup with each events’ consent—an association normally utilized by these marrying somebody with grownup youngsters or amongst conservative households with no sons who undertake males throughout the prolonged household to proceed “the family line”.
“What we wanted was simple things – to take care of each other, like signing medical consent [forms], taking family-care leave from work when one of us is ill, or organising a funeral when one of us dies later,” Website positioning-Ran says, sighing. “But none of that is possible in South Korea unless we are a legal family. So, we decided to take advantage of this legal loophole, however strange it may look.”
Some a million Koreans in a rustic of fifty million lived with de facto household – associates or companions – as of 2021, however they can not entry inexpensive state-subsidised residences or housing loans, shared medical insurance coverage, tax advantages and different companies accessible to married {couples} and households.
If a dwelling companion dies, bereaved companions or associates are left with few rights – they’re extra weak to eviction if they don’t personal the property and may face myriad authorized hurdles to obtain inheritance.
In 2013, a 62-year-old lady who misplaced her flatmate of 40 years to most cancers jumped to her loss of life after leaving her house throughout an inheritance dispute along with her flatmate’s household.
Though each Website positioning-Ran and Eo-Rie’s households have accepted their life-style, and the ladies collectively personal their house, they needed equal authorized safety and rights.
On Could 25, 2022, the 2 walked into an area administrative workplace, their fingers clasped collectively, and filed adoption papers. The subsequent day, they formally turned mom and daughter.
“In South Korea, May is full of celebrations for families, like Children’s Day [May 5] or Parents’ Day [May 8], so we chose May to have a celebration of our own,” says Website positioning-Ran with a mischievous grin.
Behonsé
Website positioning-Ran’s story – which she chronicled in her 2023 memoir, I Adopted A Good friend – is the nation’s first publicly recognized case of an grownup adopting a pal to turn into household.
However the variety of South Koreans exploring – and endorsing – existence outdoors the standard household unit is rising. The variety of one-person households and people comprised of legally unrelated folks hit a file excessive of almost eight million final yr or greater than 35 p.c of all households.
Gwak Min-Ji, an outgoing, pleasant tv author in Seoul, is one such “no-marriage” lady. Practically each week, the 38-year-old information her podcast, Behonsé, from her eating desk.
Min-Ji started her podcast—based mostly on the Korean phrases “bihon (no marriage, or, willingly unmarried)” and “sesang (world)” with a nod to Beyonce and her music, Single Women – from her front room in 2020, tired of isolation through the pandemic and hoping to succeed in out to different girls like her.
“We’re still a minority significantly underrepresented on television and in the media. My goal was making us more visible by sharing the stories of our everyday life,” says Min-Ji in her cosy, two-bedroom house within the stylish neighbourhood of Haebangchon. “In a world that seems to scream that getting married is the only right answer, and that it’s unseemly to be a single woman unless you’re rich and successful, I wanted to show that there are many single women out there living mundane, ordinary lives—and that it’s perfectly okay!”
The podcast covers a variety of subjects from books, relationships and psychological well being to how one can survive holidays with prying kinfolk, and the most effective single-women-friendly neighbourhoods. Min-Ji has interviewed single girls of all ages and from all walks of life.
“Not all my listeners are against the idea of marriage. Some of them are in a relationship, and some listen to my podcast with their boyfriends,” Min-Ji says. However the extreme twin burden on working moms and the relentless social stigma on divorcees, “forces many women to give up on marrying”, she provides.
Min-Ji’s podcast attracts greater than 50,000 listeners each week. Some have shaped their very own golf equipment by way of cell discussion groups. When Min-Ji organised a chat present occasion in January, the 200-odd tickets bought out inside seconds.
“It felt as though everyone was so hungry for a chance to find each other,” Min-Ji says cheerfully as she exhibits me round her house. Her bed room wall is plastered with pictures and postcards from her travels to Europe and her fridge is roofed with letters from associates and followers.
“My podcast has become a platform where no-marriage women can connect with others like them and do things together,” explains Min-Ji, stroking the top of her solely full-time companion – a small rescue canine – sitting subsequent to her on a settee.
‘The right to not be lonely’
However, like Website positioning-Ran, Min-Ji and her single associates face a key query: Who will look after them after they develop previous or get sick?
“It’s one of the hottest topics among us,” Min-Ji says. “We’re seriously discussing where and how to buy houses together, or how to take care of each other when we fall sick.”
For now, they’ve created a “breakfast roll-call” group on the messaging app KakaoTalk the place they examine in each morning and go to those that fail to reply for 2 days in a row. However finally, Min-Ji and a few of her associates are contemplating dwelling collectively.
These concerns have a far-reaching implication in a rustic dealing with what many name a ticking time bomb: South Korea’s inhabitants is ageing quicker than some other nation’s, whereas its birthrate is on the world’s lowest stage (0.78 as of 2022). By 2050, greater than 40 p.c of the inhabitants is projected to be older than 65, and by 2070, almost half of the inhabitants might be aged.
South Korea faces the key coverage problem of how one can look after its aged inhabitants, particularly because the variety of folks dwelling on their very own grows.
In April, Yong Hye-In, a rookie South Korean lawmaker took what she described as a key step in direction of addressing the care disaster by proposing a legislation that will widen the authorized definition of household.
“Many South Koreans are already living beyond the traditional boundaries of family,” defined Yong, a bespectacled 33-year-old lawmaker with the left-wing, minor Primary Revenue Occasion. “But our laws have failed to support their way of life.”
Yong, a minority within the parliament – girls account for simply 19 p.c of the 300 seats, and the common age is about 55 – has made a reputation for herself as a vocal supporter of the rights of girls, youngsters, working-class folks, and different politically underrepresented teams.
Promoted beneath the slogan “the right to not be lonely”, the legislation would profit associates or {couples} dwelling collectively together with oft-neglected aged people who find themselves divorced, widowed, or estranged from their youngsters, and individuals who stay alone, Yong instructed me from her workplace in Seoul.
“As our society rapidly ages and more people live alone, so many members of our society are living in isolation and loneliness, or are at the risk of doing so,” Yong defined. “We should allow them to share their life and form solidarity with other citizens … and help them take care of each other.”
Her proposal resonated with many because the nation faces the rising drawback of “lonely death”, the place folks’s our bodies stay undiscovered for a very long time after they’ve died. South Korea recorded almost 3,400 lonely deaths, or “godoksa”, in 2021, a 40 p.c rise in 5 years. The overwhelming majority of them have been males of their 50s and 60s.
Conservative backlash
However Yong’s invoice drew a storm of protest from conservatives and evangelical church teams with monumental political lobbying energy who accused it of “promoting homosexuality” by doubtlessly giving homosexual {couples} comparable standing as heterosexual {couples}, thus, they mentioned, successfully permitting same-sex marriage.
Yong obtained tons of of indignant calls and messages.
The “evil bill” will “destroy” the establishment of marriage and household and break the lives of youngsters by permitting same-sex marriage and inspiring births out of wedlock, some 500 conservative teams mentioned in a joint assertion.
“Apart from same-sex marriage, it’s hard to understand why people who live together demand the same legal protection as normal families,” a Christian Council of Korea (CCK) spokesman who requested to not be named instructed me. “If you are sick and need medical treatment, your real family should come right away and sign [the medical consent form], no matter how far they live. Why should anyone else do the job?”
Yong’s invoice faces an unsure future, ignored by most lawmakers and publicly rejected by the ruling right-wing authorities, which is backed by many evangelical church teams.
Min-Ji and Website positioning-Ran, each vocal supporters of Yong’s invoice, have confronted public criticism for his or her existence. Interviews Min-Ji has given have drawn a torrent of on-line abuse from those that mentioned she was not fairly sufficient to get married anyway, or swore she would face a lonely loss of life. Others say her “selfish” life-style “disrespected” married folks—an accusation Website positioning-Ran additionally confronted after publishing her e-book in July.
A feminist healthcare cooperative
With legislative and authorities efforts to deal with loneliness and the shortage of care largely stalled, some girls have begun taking issues into their very own fingers.
Salim, a grassroots social and healthcare cooperative based by dozens of feminists in Seoul in 2012, is certainly one of them.
Salim’s assortment of clinics is positioned in a high-rise constructing within the northern district of Eunpyeong, probably the most various but quickly ageing areas of Seoul the place one in 5 residents is aged.
“You don’t feel like a patient here, but part of a close-knit community,” Kim Ye-Jin, 31, a former tv producer and cooperative member, explains.
Feminist docs and activists – lots of them no-marriage girls – started the neighborhood to permit folks to “grow old together by caring for one another,” in response to Salim co-founder Choo Hye-In.
Salim, which implies “saving” in Korean, is open to anybody for a minimal price of fifty,000 gained ($39). It started with some 300 members and a small household medication clinic headed by Choo, herself a health care provider and no-marriage lady. However over a decade, it gained a popularity as a spot welcoming not solely girls and Eunpyeong residents but in addition folks with disabilities, victims of sexual assault or home abuse, sexual minorities, and migrant staff who could also be shunned by clinics or not correctly handled on account of a language barrier or lack of insurance coverage. As we speak, it counts almost 4,200 members and has grown to incorporate gynaecological, psychiatric and dental clinics, in addition to a daycare centre for aged folks.
It’s the type of “community of people who could protect you when you’re sick and lonely,” Ye-Jin explains, including that Salim is likely one of the important causes she and her associates need to develop previous within the district.
Eunpyeong is house to many NGOs, girls’s rights teams, and social enterprises and has been endorsed by Min-Ji’s podcast as top-of-the-line neighbourhoods for single girls on account of its vibrant neighborhood.
Exterior, Ye-Jin weaves previous workplace staff, moms with prams, middle-aged girls with canine strollers and aged males on walkers as she heads to a bakery, fashionable amongst her associates, the place a number of books about ageing and community-based care sits subsequent to piles of croissants.
Ye-Jin is an lively a part of the local people, having based Eunpyeong Sisters, a membership for single girls, whose dozens of members get collectively to play sports activities or share meals whereas chatting consistently on cell teams about every thing from inventory funding to women-friendly pubs.
“My hope was building a loosely connected community where women can feel safe, supported, and respected, while having fun doing activities each of us can’t do alone,” she says.
Snapshots of the longer term
Social experiments like Salim and smaller, informal teams like Eunpyeong Sisters based mostly on solidarity and mutual help can reveal how one can sort out loneliness and isolation as society modifications and other people stay for longer, mentioned Jee Eun-Sook, a researcher on the Institute of Cross-Cultural Research at Seoul Nationwide College who research the lives of single girls and networks like Salim.
“That’s why the government needs to pay more attention to what these women do. Their efforts might show snapshots of the future to come—and potential solutions to solve the challenges that lie ahead,” she mentioned.
Whether or not such efforts will stay experiments or result in actual change stays to be seen. However Website positioning-Ran is upbeat, saying modifications are already afoot amongst many peculiar South Koreans. She says she shared her story to assist folks like her who don’t need to marry however may need to know how one can kind a household. After her e-book was revealed, many single girls dwelling with associates wrote to say they have been contemplating an analogous transfer whereas others thanked her for displaying they weren’t alone.
“I hope that my story serves as a wake-up call for the government and our society,” says Website positioning-Ran.
Round Website positioning-Ran and Eo-Rie’s first household anniversary, the ladies took a weekend journey to Anmyeondo Island, recognized for its scenic seashores dotted with pine tree forests, with Website positioning-Ran’s mom and grandaunt—a vacation for, no less than on paper, 4 generations of girls.
For a very long time, Website positioning-Ran’s mom needed her daughter to marry, frightened she’d be left alone after she died. However now she says she’s relieved that Website positioning-Ran is blissful and has shaped her circle of relatives. “Now, I have a granddaughter,” she jokes.
“You two don’t need to care at all about what the world and others say,” she instructed her daughter. “Just live your life fully.”
*A pseudonym as requested by Website positioning-Ran